


I Can Still Hear Her

by orphan_account



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canonical Child Abuse, Canonical Rape/Non-con, Character Study, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Gang Rape, I want to apologise to both Yut Lung and his mother, I'm sorry Yut Lung had a bad childhood, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Incest, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Underage Drinking, Implied/Referenced Underage Prostitution, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, M/M, Nightmares, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Vomiting, Yut Lung's brothers are only referenced, i think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-27 00:23:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17151815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Yut Lung wakes up screaming from a very vivid nightmare about his mother's final moments. After he throws up, Blanca comes to his room to check on him. Yut Lung ends up telling Blanca about the nightmare, and about other horrors from his childhood.Blanca, who just wanted to help Yut Lung by suggesting the boy talks about his troubles, gets far more than he bargained for but still tries his best.Trigger warnings for all the stuff in the tags, even though it's just Yut Lung talking about it to Blanca and there's no actual sex involved. I'm just going off canon stuff here.





	I Can Still Hear Her

**Author's Note:**

> I'm... so sorry. I originally wanted to write a thing about Yut Lung having night terrors and Blanca taking care of him, but it turned into this. Yut Lung doesn't deserve this hell, man.
> 
> Again: PLEASE READ THE TAGS. They're there for a reason. Like I said, it's all based on canon, but it's about Yut Lung's past that involves his brothers doing extremely awful and highly illegal things. To both Yut Lung's mother and Yut Lung himself. I've tried not to make it too graphic but it's still unsettling so if you're not okay with this kind of thing don't read it...
> 
> Blanca is a bit useless here but he was genuinely trying to help, I promise.

_"Mama?"_

_"No! Don't look at me!"_

_"Mama?"_

_"NO! NO! Sto-- AAAHHHhhhh"_

_"MAMA--"_

 

Yut Lung found himself sitting upright in bed, drenched in cold sweat. He'd had that nightmare again. The one about his mother. It haunted him often, but lately he'd been seeing it more. The alcohol hadn't seemed to be stopping the nightmares like he'd heard. This instance was a particularly vivid one. He could still hear his mother's screams echoing in his ears. He could still see her naked body lying before him. He could still feel Hua Lung's heavy breathing on his neck as his older brother held him.

It made him want to throw up. He took a few deep breaths and shakily got out of bed and slowly plodded over to his en suite.

 

Yut Lung didn't bother turning the lights on. He'd spent many nights vomiting into his toilet after being woken up by his mother's screams. And if he saw himself in the mirror, the memories would become even more real. Yut Lung had always been told by his brothers that he resembled his mother, after all.

Once he'd emptied his stomach of absolutely everything that was left in it, he forced himself to stand up. He flushed the toilet, cleaned his teeth thoroughly (while still in the dark) and went back to bed.

Yut Lung lay on his back and stared up at the ceiling. He didn't want to go back to sleep. He'd just see his mother again. Whose last words to him, directly, had been "don't look at me". The horror in her voice as she'd said that... as she'd had her clothes forcefully ripped off by Yut Lung's brothers... As she'd been...

 

His thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door, which caught Yut Lung by complete surprise. He'd told his servants time and time again to never bother him unless he asked them to. He got out of bed again and angrily answered the door.

 

"Are you alright, Sir?"

It was Blanca. Yut Lung remembered that he had told Blanca about his past earlier that evening, after a few glasses of champagne. Blanca, who didn't judge Yut Lung.

"Sir?" Blanca asked again.

"...Yeah, I am," Yut Lung lied, looking down at Blanca's feet.

"I heard you screaming," Blanca said, concerned. "And then I heard you vomiting. What happened, Sir?"

"Nothing."

"Sir, it's definitely not nothing," Blanca sighed. "Do you need some water?"

"No." Yut Lung had realised that he had a throbbing headache. He wasn't sure if it had been there since he woke up and he hadn't noticed, or if Blanca talking to him had started it. He was feeling a bit nauseous again, too.

"Look at me, Sir," Blanca instructed. Reluctanctly, Yut Lung gazed up at him. He could make Blanca out under the glow of the light that was on in the hallway near his room.

"You've been crying?" Blanca asked gently. There must have been stains on Yut Lung's cheeks. Yut Lung took a few steps backwards. Blanca grabbed him by the wrist. "Sir, please, I just want to know if there's anything I can do to help you."

Yut Lung laughed bitterly, like he'd laughed at Blanca several hours prior. "Don't be stupid, Blanca," he said. "You just want me to shut up so you can go back to sleep."

"You hired me to help you, Mr. Yut Lung," Blanca said. Yut Lung felt his chest tighten. He wasn't _wrong_.

 

He'd already told Blanca the story. It shouldn't matter. But Yut Lung was stubborn, and he didn't want to give in. Yet he was also very tired, and the nausea he'd been feeling again was getting worse.

 

"I... had a nightmare..." Yut Lung explained slowly. "And I felt sick when I woke up. That's all."

Blanca frowned. "Would it help if you talked to me about it? I've found that talking to people sometimes helps sort out emotions."

Yut Lung swallowed. "Fine, but not in the doorway. Come in."

 

Yut Lung headed back to bed and got in under the covers. Lying down made the nausea weaken.

"Sit."

Blanca sat on the edge of the bed close to Yut Lung and turned to face him.

"Tell me, Sir," Blanca said. "I won't judge you."

Yut Lung inhaled deeply. "I. You know how I told you about my mother?"

"...I do, yes." Blanca said calmly.

"I still remember it all. Sometimes it creeps up on me while I'm asleep." Yut Lung paused. "I can still hear her, Blanca. I can still hear my mother screaming out in pain. I can still picture her being violated. She was right there in front of me. And I couldn't..." Yut Lung choked back a sob. He didn't want to be crying in front of Blanca. "I couldn't do anything..."

"Of course you couldn't, Sir," Blanca said, placing his hand softly on top of Yut Lung's. "You were a child. In that situation, I doubt anybody could do anything."

"You don't _understand_ ," Yut Lung cried, unable to stop the tears. "My mother... They... They all took turns... Sometimes they took turns together... She was screaming the whole time, unless they shut her up..." Yut Lung could still picture Wang Lung shoving his dick in Yut Lung's mother's mouth after yelling at her and calling her a filthy whore.

"I still remember all the names they called her, too," Yut Lung added. "Whore. Slut. Bitch. Filth. I didn't know what those words meant until I was older. Do you know how I found out?" Yut Lung looked over at Blanca, his vision blurred by tears.

"How, Sir?" Blanca asked.

"They called me those things as well," he answered. "They took turns with me, too. Only difference was that they didn't kill me afterwards." Yut Lung paused again, before saying "I wish they had."

If Yut Lung had just been killed like his mother had been, he wouldn't have had to suffer like this. He wouldn't have been made into his brothers' plaything that they rented out to other people.

 

Blanca said nothing for a while, until he spoke quietly. "I, for one," he said, "am glad that they didn't kill you. There's a life beyond this, Mr. Yut Lung," he continued. "You can overcome this. Your brothers are no longer here. There's nobody making you do those things anymore."

Yut Lung started sobbing again. Blanca was the only person who ever said nice things to him. Yut Lung knew that Blanca only said them because he was being paid to, but it didn't matter.

 

"How old were you when you first had sex, Blanca?" Yut Lung asked once his sobbing subsided.

"Hmm." Blanca sat there thinking for a moment. "I was about your age, I think. Sixteen?" He gave a guilty smile, as though he felt bad that he couldn't remember.

"I was ten."

Blanca's smile disappeared instantly. " _Ten_?" he repeated, dumbfounded.

"I told you my mother was ten when she was taken in by my father, right? Well, that's the logic my brothers used. Apparently, if that bitch had been trained from the age of ten, it was a good time to start with me."

"Sir..."

"It was only Wang Lung at first," Yut Lung said. "Then Hua Lung joined in after Wang Lung thought I was ready. Then the others joined, one by one. My thirteenth birthday present was them all gang-raping me together for the first time, Blanca. When I turned fifteen, Wang Lung fucked me in my room all day. That was the same age my mother was when she gave birth to me. If I was a girl, he definitely would've gotten me pregnant then." Yut Lung laughed, even though there was nothing funny about the situation.

 

Blanca was silent, which made Yut Lung annoyed. Did Blanca want him to go on? Did he want to go back to bed?

 

" _Say something_!" Yut Lung shouted, grabbing Blanca's upper arms and shaking him.

"...I'm sorry, Sir," Blanca apologised. "I didn't..."

"Didn't _what_? Didn't know I was just a slut who was good at nothing but being fucked by my own brothers?"

"That's not at all what I think about you, and that's not what you are, Sir," Blanca said, looking at Yut Lung pitifully. "I told you. You're more than that. Please don't call yourself a slut."

"But I _am_ , Blanca," Yut Lung seethed. "It's over. My brothers have won. Even though they're gone, they're still laughing at me. I can tell. It's like they're saying 'you can't escape'."

"But that's wrong, Sir," Blanca said, freeing himself from Yut Lung's grip. "You _can_ escape. You need to learn that. I'm not the person to teach you. You'll have to find someone else."

"Are you telling me to go to therapy?" Yut Lung glared, less than amused. "Yeah _right_! If I tell them things like this I'll get shipped off to an institution! If the world's ironic enough, they'll make me into a test subject for banana fish!" He was feeling sick again. He wanted to scream at Blanca, but he also wanted Blanca to disappear. Blanca wasn't going to help him.

"Mr. Yut Lung," Blanca sighed, "I didn't intend to make you this upset. I merely wanted to know why you had been disturbed from your sleep."

Yut Lung laughed again, louder than he had the first time. "Well, Blanca!" he exclaimed. " _Now you know_! I'm still a pathetic child who dreams of his mother."

 

Blanca paused for a moment. "That's not pathetic, Sir," he said. "The warmth of a mother is something everybody longs for. It doesn't have to be an actual mother, however. It can be your wife, your husband, your soulmate, your lover, your best friend, your child... You just haven't found that person yet."

 

Yut Lung didn't say anything. Blanca had given him a similar lecture earlier. He didn't need it again. It was then that Yut Lung noticed his nausea had stopped.

 

They sat quietly for several minutes. "I'll be going back to bed, Sir, if that's alright with you," Blanca said, standing up.

"...Do what you want," Yut Lung mumbled, lying back down. "And if you tell anyone about this, I'll kill you," he added quietly.

"I'll take this to my grave," Blanca smiled. "And I pray you aren't plagued by any more nightmares tonight, Mr. Yut Lung."

 

Yut Lung turned his head away from Blanca as the older man left. Blanca turned the lights off, and before leaving, he said calmly: "Good night, Sir." Yut Lung mumbled a good night in response as Blanca shut the door.

 

Yut Lung managed to go back to sleep soon after. He did dream of his mother again, but this time it was one he hadn't had that he could remember. It was a memory he'd long forgotten. He was sitting in his mother's lap on a chair in his old bedroom. His mother was singing an old Chinese song to him while she brushed Yut Lung's hair.

 

_"You're so cute, my son..."_

 

He said nothing to Blanca about it the next morning, and Blanca didn't bring up their midnight conversation either.


End file.
